Learning to Spell "T-H-E- -E-N-D"

We’re lost on this highway,
In our thoughts,
In our lives.
The headlights do not clear anything up,
My tears only blur my vision and upset him,
The dashboard only illuminates his face in
The most beautiful and confusing way.
The way his anger flows from his mouth
Is eloquently repulsive in a way that
Knows just how to break my heart.
The rearview mirror shows no signs of
The past becoming ours again.
The time is 11:12,
Proving that no more wishes will be granted,
And that time is no longer on our side.
Our time is up.
Turn off the radio,
Turn off the car,
Turn off the tears for a few more moments.
This is what it is like to finally face
The most painful
Good bye
Of my entire life.

Please do not tell me
This is good bye.

Stuck

Stuck in the present,
Stuck all alone.
Pictures of people
I’ve now outgrown.

Stuck with the question
“What’ve I done wrong?”
Stuck with the realization
I will never belong.

Stuck in repetition
Of hurtful events.
Fighting to try to
Make them make sense.

But my words will never
Mean anything to you.
Your ignorance makes my
Existence entirely see through.

Stuck at home while
You’re out being young,
Stuck with harsh, unspoken
Words on my tongue.

Stuck with the mistakes,
Working on the ‘why’s?’,
Telling myself lies,
Trying to rationalize.

Stuck in the dark,
Where you’ve left me last.
Exhausting myself,
Sanity lost fast.

You leave me alone,
Tell yourself I’ll be fine.
Stuck in this reality
I’m forced to call mine.

Changed

Do you ever have a feeling in your stomach where you feel like you’ve just realized something about yourself? Except you don’t know quite exactly what it is, but something is definitely there, something should definitely be noticed. In the pit of your stomach, you feel a nervous excitement and you knit your eyebrows in a sort of way that suggests a vague acknowledgement of something different within your soul and body and mind. It’s so strange. And it just happened to me. Perhaps this feeling is a result of the music I’m listening to, or the conversations I’m holding. Either way, it was real. And now I’m stuck inside my head, searching for a change, for a shift or tweak in my thoughts. I can’t find anything, but my stomach is stuck in this weird state and the confusion won’t leave and the thoughts aren’t flowing while my fingers are typing about absolutely nothing.

How unusual this night has turned out to be.

Alphabetizing Thoughts to Make Sense of Them

Always in my brain
Breaking our barriers
Calls until three o’clock
Dead from its beginning

Enough is enough
Fighting gets aggravating
Growing up and
Hating our old selves

I want to go back
Judging decisions as mistakes
Kisses that were
Laced with venom

My sightless eyes
Never weighed the possibilites
Open to anything
Paying the price presently

Questioning in sequester
Recollecting those eyes
Stationary in my bed
Trying to make sense of the verdict

Understanding your hatred
Visiting your point of view
Wishing for happy thoughts
X-raying your body language

You make me feel so much but I
Zipper my lips shut.

*Format inspired by David Levithan's "The Realm of Possibility"

& Besides, The Reputation's All A Lie

"My words are mistakes & my thoughts are useless"

Lesson

It seems the happiest people
Are the one with the most twisted stories.
His smile taught me
More than the books,
More than the talk shows,
More than the teachers.
His smile taught me so much about
Real bravery, troubles, love,
About life.
Today,
You’re beautiful,
As usual.
One more thing for me to be able to trust
In life’s search for truth.
If only the world could feel
The love I have,
The feeling I crave,
When I see your exposed teeth.

Months That Last Years

We’re both still trying to
Remember how to breathe without each other.
He cannot comprehend how
Odd the atmosphere feels without him.
Our old favourite places
Now seem like strangers.
The tree that we carved our names into
Is like a picture that
Used to bring to smiles,
But is now just another prisoner to the blurry past.
The stump appears to bear
Two strange names
Of two people I don’t know
Who once loved each other.
The only evidence of our togetherness
Ever existing
Is our names
Trapped inside a heart.
I continue walking by,
Breathing in the odd atmosphere,
Reaching for a hand that isn’t there,
Feelings lips that are no longer mine to kiss,
Catching my breath when I finally see
How forever never seems to really be
Just that.

Hold Me

I am telling you right now that
I will make mistakes.
I will make a fool of myself,
I will be embarrassing,
I will do what I want.
Because if you’re never vulnerable
What is there left to be?
Spiritual evolution would be highly improbable
If I never
Tripped,
Laughed too loud,
Cried in public,
Got my heart pummeled,
Stood out in a crowd of clones,
Or anyone of the other things
That’ve caused you to
Hold me close with the intention of
Stopping me.
So cover your eyes
But don’t cover my mouth.
You can live your life in your state of boringness
And hatred for all things happy.
But not me.
You can’t hold me back anymore.

The Cheater

It appears that I have gravely over estimated you.
With such low standards,
I thought that was an impossibility.
But old habits die hard.
Lieing is simpler to you,
And makes things harder for me.

Your eyes glaze over in your drunken state
As my eyes become glassy with tears,
Because it's okay to kiss another girl
If you've kissed the tip of a beer bottle
(Or two)
First.

My feet won't move
And I can't take my eyes away from yours.
How did I ever find safety in that blue?

How will I ever escape that blue?