Merry Christmas To My First Love

A year ago today, we were it. We were honest to God the happiest couple in the entire world. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that you were perfect. You felt the same about me. Then, this summer, you remembered what beer tasted like, and you wanted it back. You wanted to be something I was not, something I detested. But I learned to love the new, preppy you. Your love for me had already faded by then.
We tried to get back together over and over, each time with a new hope that maybe, just maybe, this time we'd find our happiness again and be as perfect as we used to be. But instead, you kissed another girl and I kissed another boy in revenge. This isn't us. Alcohol has messed us up so much. Losing people is my greatest fear and it has come alive in you. All I ever wanted was you. You are, and always will be deep down, my second half. I have given you so many pieces of me that will forever be yours. There are some thing's I just can't give to anyone else.
A week ago, you looked me in my eyes and told me that I was what you really wanted. You cried as you told me that you meant it this time. What a fool was I to believe you, my darling. Apparently, a lot can change in a week. I think the only thing that will never change is my love for you. You know that it will always be here, whether or not I remain in your heart or not. My only weakness in this whole entire world, I will always be here for you. I pray that you never forget about me, that you keep my letters and all of my pictures.
You're the only thing I wanted for Christmas. But all I'll get is an anniversary spent all alone and no fulfillment on Christmas Day.

gossip

i know all of your secrets &
you don't even know my name.

i love you

i'm afraid that one day i'll open my eyes
and find out that you were a dream,
nothing but something i came up with one night.
your pure perfection makes that thought appear
doubtless.
i pray that you'll forgive me for my mistakes,
for yours have all dissipated from my mind.
i won't be able to let go of you anytime soon.
i'm nowhere near ready to say goodbye,
to stop holding you,
to never hear you speak of your love for me.
i want to rewind.
i want to be the perfect girl that
you've always told me i was for you.
this has been my first and greatest mistake.
please let my actions be a dream but
i never want to wake up from
the fairytale that is you.

Pour Through Me

We lie in each other's arms, eyes shut and fingers open, and all the colors of the world pass through our bodies like strings of fire.

Reality

You know.
Every single time,
Without a doubt at all,
You will always know.
I can't count on you for anything at all anymore
Except for knowing when I am the most weak.
Please stop giving me chances,
Because you know that I'll keep taking them,
And taking you back.
Consider changing,
Try not to continuously break my heart.
Make a conscious effort to stop this hurt
Because I've made a conscious effort to forget about it and
Forgive you everytime.
I'm hurting,
And I have been hurting for the past two months.
Make this jump worth it,
Because I am so sick and tired of
Falling flat on my face.

The First

You were the first person that I gave my entire self to.
I let you into the cage that is my heart.
I trusted you with my mind, body, and soul.
They say that if you love something, you should let it go.
And we let each other go,
And we found each other on the other side.
But what does this mean, if anything?
For seven days, I've been alone.
For seven days, you've forgotten me.
For seven days, I've been nothing but a reminder upon each hour.
For seven days, you haven't cared.
You made me want you back in my heart
Right when I was about to let you go.
But here I am,
Crashed upon the floor.
How can you not remember anymore?
I wish you knew what honesty was.
We promised to communicate,
Yet here I lay,
Uninformed & transformed into
The sad monster I've tried to run from for so long.
You were the first person I've given my entire self to,
And you will be the last.
I've promised myself that you will be the last,
Because my heart cannot take this hurt again.

Where Am I?

Days act like blocks and
Pile up on top of me and
It’s getting increasingly harder to find myself.
The axioms of myself are shrinking and
Possibilities are vanishing.
In the search for my true self,
I’ve lost every self-truth I’ve held thus far.
I wish I could speed up time
To answer my own questions,
But this particular piece of punctuation will remain,
And the blocks will not dissipate anytime soon.

Hey Stranger

I'm going to hold back a rant because I'm sick of thinking of your face, your name, your pathetic new persona.
I'll limit it to this:
Don't you ever miss thinking for yourself?
Part of me is so glad that I don't have to deal with the new you, but part of me wishes I still had the old you.
No one was ever quite like you.
Make sure that you tell the memories that I say hi on the odd time that you remember who I am.
Have fun in your new life.
I'll try to make this my final goodbye.

10.10.10

You broke up with another girl to be with me,
Then you broke up with me to be with another girl.
I'll be sad for a little while,
But I know that my eyes will clear and
I'll learn that I don't need you anymore.
This seems hard right now,
But it will all work out.
This loneliness won't be so hard after all.

Rusted Wire

Our friendship was complicated,
But this new concept is simple:
You’re unforgettable &
I’ve been forgotten.

Happy Belated April Fool's

I am officially 17.
As of the magical first day of April.
I also had a wonderful April Fool's Day...

I hope you did, too. :)

Hope

After having the most brutally terrible day in a very long time,
I would like to take some time out to
Give a big thanks to Trey and Lucas for buying me
My very own Build-A-Bear bear,
Named Lawrence Xavier,
This March Break in Niagra Falls.
Additionally,
I would like to warmly thank Michael for
Giving me the softest teddy bear ever
For Valentine's Day.
I sleep with both of them every night.
They're both excellent cuddlers.
These two stuffed toys have saved me.

Missing

Patience is a virtue
But revenge is a necessity.

You begged her to stay,
She said okay.

Unexpected outcome,
Brain turning numb,
You hit her just for fun.

Making threats
To ring her neck
And make her forget.

Falls to the floor,
Hit her some more,
Two souls that tore.

The strongest love
Escaped within a shove.

Her life became
A secreted shame.
She’ll take the blame,
He’ll go unnamed.

Heart Factory

My body slowly stiffened
As I lay in my bed,
From my heart to the mattress,
My thoughts slowly bled.

I’m off to the Heart Factory
To get rid of this illness.
I’ll give my soul some peace
In its search for stillness.

Searching for refuge,
Burying the pain.
Dismissing emotion
But the pictures remain.

I’m off to the Heart Factory
In hopes of finding a cure.
Banishing the black to
Find a red more pure.

I’m completely destroyed
Aside from the jagged seams.
Can’t you hear the screams
Fucking up my hopeful dreams?

I’m off to the Heart Factory
And I never want to go back.
So I wrote and asked him to
Not make this new heart crack.

(Thankyou Patrick and Sierra for your loving help and support.)

Imaginary

I felt like if
I joined my wrists together and
Opened my palms,
I could create an entire new world.
I painted the sky with my fingers,
The sun went down with my eyes,
And it was all mine.
For the first time in awhile,
I felt happy all on my own.
I think life is finally coming together.

Is it weird that I feel more sane
Now that I’ve created a world with my hands?

Hidden Strength

It was the day that the rain stopped falling
That I remembered how to stand up.
Without the clouds pushing me down,
Putting weight on my shoulders,
Clouding my eyes with water,
My feet begun to work again.
I could walk again.
So I left.
I walked right out of your house,
And my feet stumbled forward.
They pushed me until
It was too late to turn around.
My strength has been found.

:)

I hate being used.

So I lied.
For the first time
In a long time.
And it felt good.

Heartless

And I swear that
The blood in your left arm
Runs a little bit cooler
Than the blood in your right arm.

Thoughts That Convulse

On your way to grab my heart,
Your hands tangled through my lungs.
When you screamed in my face and
Ripped my heart from my chest,
My lungs got bruised in the process
And I’m stuck on the floor.
I’m sure it won’t be long
Until I remember how to breathe again.
But in the meantime,
I’ll be reaching for your face
Through the black
And screaming and begging
For you to come back.

When You're Famous

The crowds will scream your name
And they'll know your lyrics
Better than you.

I'll get lost in the crowd
And become just another girl but
I'll remember.

You'll drive around in limos
And get blinded by
The flashing camera's.

I'll spin around in circles
And get blinded by the sun as
I try to find your face in the sky.

They'll praise you like a God
And you'll be living high
And forget.

I'll write you letters
And they'll remain unanswered so
I'll try to forget.

I'll never forget.

It's Rather Simple

Technically,
He stole my heart,
And therefore it will remain his.

Isolated

I put a love note on your plate,
You stuck gum under my chair.
I put your name in my heart,
You used a knife to scratch it out.
I put my world in your pocket,
You put your sweater in the washer.
I gave you my warm hand,
You gave me your cold shoulder.
I gave you my ear,
You forgot to share yours.
I gave you my love,
You gave me ignorance.
I gave you my trust,
You turned me a ghost.
And this lack of involvement
In your life is what hurts the most.

Deux

Je m’appelle « numero trois cent »,
Je m’appelle « le soldat de l’année »,
Je m’appelle Pierre.

Je m’appelle « la fille à cibler »,
Je m’appelle « la juive coupable »,
Je m’appelle Nancy.

J’ai dix-huit ans,
J’ai une croix gammé sur mon bras,
Et j’ai peur.

J’ai quinze ans,
J’ai une étoile de David sur mon bras,
Et j’ai peur.

C’est une guerre de la paix,
C’est une guerre de l’espoir,
C’est une guerre trés juste.

C’est une guerre de la haine,
C’est une guerre du désespoir,
C’est une guerre trés raciale.

Je suis jeune,
Je suis innocent,
Mais je suis prêt.

Je suis jeune,
Je suis innocente,
Et je suis dans un grenier.

Je me cache dans les rues,
Et je tue sans la tristesse.

Je me cache sur le dernièr de ce porte,
Et je tue ma maman avec ma tristesse.

Je suis un survivant
Des années des Juifs.

Je suis une dètenue
Des années des règlements de Hitler.

Je prie :
« Laissez pour Hitler à vivre pour toujour. »

Je prie :
« Laissez ma famille à vivre jusqu’ à demain. »

Weak

A heart made of glass.
It breaks so easily, &
It deceives as it
Reflects the face of every
Lying lover to make it seem as if
Their features are carved in so deeply.
Faces fade in a flash, and
Before you know it,
All you’re left with is
Hollow, cold, fragile glass.
How can something so thin
Cut so deep?
How can someone so beautiful
Create such a mess?
How can such a wise heart
Keep letting her say yes?
I’ll never guess.

So Come Home

Time has no measure or matter when you are beside me.

Craziness

We sing to the moon,
We write silly love notes,
We think we’re real vampires,
We gallop through forests we’ve deemed magical,
We climb mounds of dirt,
We write messages in the snow,
We feel the energy of empty fields,
We dance when there’s no music,
And sometimes,
I think we’re the only sane people in this world.

Deserve

You don’t deserve this.
You say you want to stay
Because you care, but
The total weight of my words
Could hold you down until
You can no longer
Move your mouth to speak.
Save your sanity and
Leave whilst you can, because
I don’t deserve you.

Broken Seams

Smooth transitions from
Slow motions to
Low emotions.

Late Night Outdoor Skating

The moon knows our names tonight
And the stars are removing their masks
And breaking through the streelights
To give us their blessing.

You keep me guessing.

It’s a line but it’s dotted.
I’m jumping over spaces and
Praying that my hand will find yours
On the other side.

On the ice as we slide,

Will you wait for me?
As I fall,
I’ll get stuck on the floor.
Will you leave me there?

I think you’d agree,
You’d fall with me.

My back kisses the ice,
But I don’t feel cold;
It’s as if for the first time,
I feel alive.

Perhaps because it’s you I’m beside.

Words prevail
And jump through the dark,
Yours land straight in my heart
And hit their mark.

Can’t you feel the spark?

You scream perfection,
I whisper my secret.
You reply with words
I find to good to be true,

“I love you, too.”

Steve (L)

"Exciting,
Adventurous,
Risky,
Dangerous,
Nervous,
Epic,
Emotionally overwhelming,
Insane,
Crazy.
What are we doing here?
Why you?
Why me?
Why now?
Warm,
Cold,
Shivering,
Close physically,
Far away emotionally,
Together,
Apart.
Stay like this forever.
Simply amazing,
Everything.
Never let go,
But have to."

Unseen

I see you as kind,
You are your own person.
Unique in your uniqueness,
You don’t seem to have
A care in the world.
I see you as free.
I see you as happy.
But you don’t see me at all.

Reflection

I remember the blackness.
Lost in a time where
I could not even
Trust my own reflection,
For my actions were backwards and
A perfectly matching opposite.
An image that is a
Simple mirage and does not
In fact exist.
A henna tattoo that disappears
At the first sign of fragmentation.
How could I trust something
So fragile,
So unsolid?
I remember the days where
No one stood beside me.
I remember yesterday.